who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I need to stop coming to work sober
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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