yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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