Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
