Just cropdusted the office
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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