i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
