just come out here and I will go home with you...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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