Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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