Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
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She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.