Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
this is an emotional support booty call
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?