dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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