remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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