Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
