It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
