It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
