I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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