Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
