How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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