She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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