Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
