Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think i have two assholes
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
