so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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