It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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