I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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