I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
