Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
