My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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