I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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