weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
