you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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