i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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