Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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