I feel great
I just peed on a car
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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