when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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