Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
