careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
