I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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