tonight lets celebrate not being married
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
