im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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