No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
