I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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