So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
