u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
