Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
