How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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