last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
