i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
