I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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