allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
