he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
