I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
