nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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