I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When did angry sex become our thing?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
