I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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