Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
