What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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