dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
