Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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