she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
