Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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