We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
